(Man-man sex discussed in street language, so not for kids or the sexually modest)
It’s 3/15, the day after Pi/Pie Day (in the US), and the Ides of March (everywhere), and also (in ZwickyWorld) Higashi Day — when, back in the last century, Jacques and I set off from Palo Alto CA (and Stanford) on our annual journey east (higashi) back to Columbus OH (and Ohio State); Nishi Day, for embarking on the journey to the west, was on 12/15.
My Higashi Day was enlivened by a Fort Troff e-mail sale ad for their Grunt Oil silicone-based lube (named for the sound men make during anal intercourse). A tube of the actual product, with a plug for it that gives a relatively straightforward description of the stuff:
(#1) The packaging varies; there are less raunchy variants (missing the finger and the FUCK ME, COCK TOY! graffiti) and even raunchier ones, as we’ll see in a momentDescription: Hands-down, silicone is the gold standard for durability and slickness. Sure, water-based lubes are good when you need a quick clean up… but nothing beats the smooth, silky feel of pure high-grade silicone. Grunt Oil is super-concentrated for max longevity. It doesn’t break down in water, so you can use it in the shower. Clean up with soap and water.
Fort Troff caters to what I’ve called Ruff Dudes, hypersexual hypermacho anally hyperreceptive man-oriented men (with a fetish for sex machinery), existing in some paradoxical liminal world between actual leathermen and fantastical bdsm creatures. So #1 counts as vanilla in Fort Troff’s world.
But that’s not what assaulted my eye this morning. It turns out that the exciting feature of Grunt Oil is that it looks like cum. Creamy white jizz. This is supposed to be incredibly hot to Fort Troff’s clientele, and I’m really into cum, but an anal lube that looks like cum strikes me as a goofy idea. Even goofier than dildos scrupulously designed to replicate actual penises. (In both cases, the appeal is to the imagination, not to the senses.)
This morning’s ad. The stuff is now marketed as Grunt CUM, with a jizz-dripping tube, and with two conspicuously sweaty guys about to kiss:
(#2) Cum as lube; this is a real thing, but it pretty much depends on a load of cum from one fuck serving as lube for a following fuck, so its natural home is in gangbanging — but actual cum isn’t that great a lube on its own (I speak from experience in a long-ago previous life), since the volume of a typical load isn’t great, it’s inclined to, um, leak, and it dries up fast (Fort Troff’s Grunt Whatever, coming to us through the miracle of chemistry, is almost surely a better lubricant)
Now, I’m wildly enthusiastic about guys kissing guys, so the ad photo is a delight for me, but you should expunge any images you might have of kisses that swap Grunt Cum, since the stuff isn’t intended for oral use (though it seems not to be actually toxic). The ad copy and ingredients list for #2:
Fuckers LOVE Grunt CUM. It’s the #1 fuck juice [that is, lube for ass-fucking] at Fort Troff. It feels n’ looks like globs of REAL jizz.
Thick n’ creamy, Grunt CUM is an innovative HYBRID formula. It has the slickness and durability of SILICONE… with an EZ clean up like H2O lubes. Grunt CUM is condom-safe and great for playing with toys.
Load up … cumming just got way better.
Ingredients: water, dimethicone, propylene glycol, dimethiconol, xanthan gum, hydroxyethyl cellulose, benzyl alcohol, potassium sorbate, sodium benzoate.
Well, it looks like cum. The Cheap Lubes site offers
a large variety of lubes that resemble Cum. They are designed to mimic the natural bodily fluid. These lubricants tend to be silky white and consist of a blend of water and silicone …
(Semen is such an emotionally weighty substance for gay men that some of us are inclined to give cum the initial capital befitting the name of a deity.)
Among the cum-like lubes on that site: Spunk lube, Bone Yard Cum lube, Fuck Water water/silicone hybrid, Master Series Jizz body glide, Fuck Sauce Cum hybrid lubricant. I have no ratings on the lubes, but I enjoy the names. (Ed Asner as Lou Grant has forever ruined spunk for me, however: to Mary Tyler Moore, “You’ve got spunk. I hate spunk.”)